A Peace on Debt

My girlfriend Sarah is in the midst of a graduate progam at Brown University (www.sarahmastersbrown.blogspot.com). She is pursuing a masters degree in Public Health and, like her beauty, the depth of her brilliance is endless. Earlier this Spring she was accepted for a fellowship which will allow her to travel to El Salvador for up to 12 weeks and study sustainable agriculture and food aid. Initially I was excited about the idea of going with her for part of her trip. However, in recent weeks the reality of my situation has decended upon me like a swarm of bees on a pollen saturated field of flowers. The situation that prevents me from realistically traveling with Sarah can be summed up in one word: Debt.

I have a substantial amount of student debt to pay off from my time as an undergraduate at Saint Michael's College. Along with this debt I have a monthly car payment, monthly rent, monthly utilites, weekly gas for my car and groceries for my belly. As these responsibilities came to fruition in my mind, I became more and more bitter about Sarah's trip. Right now I can say with honesty that I was beyond immature. I was childish. I acted as if I was the 7 year old crying at a classmate's birthday party because I was not receiving any gifts. Fortunately, Sarah and I had a long talk about how my position on the situation has hurt her feelings. After this talk I was able to reflect on my situation with debt and have become more peaceful about this financial burden. At the same time, I have clarified my reality and have centered my debt-laced chi.

Project on Student Debt has reported that the average level of debt for graduating seniors with student loans in 2008 was 23,200 dollars(projectonstudentdebt.org). Reading this, I feel as though I am with the pack as far as statistics go. I became bitter and jealous about this because many of my friends graduated with no debt, and have the freedom to move around, travel, and live with more financial ease. With Sarah, I was particularly jealous because she is able to travel with a fellowship and I am not. Much reflection has been spent on this idea and I feel I have come out with a clearer idea of my place in the world right now.

My reality is not travelling to El Salvador to film a documentary. Sarah has worked incredibly hard for this opprtunity and she deserves it and more. My reality is living in Providence, working at a group home, and becoming involved with the community I live in. I have debt that needs to be paid. That is my reality. Knowing this does not and should not prevent me from becoming a more active member of my community and a better person. Of course I want to travel the world with Sarah and of course I will miss her like no other. But right now, that is not my reality. Right now I need to concentrate on helping my clients at the group home live happy and healthy lives. This is my reality. Feeling bitter and jealous about Sarah's trip was a new low for me. With this, however, I've been able to gain a new perspective of Providence that I did not see before. My reality is clearer to me now than ever before and I with this comes excitement for what the summer will bring.